


my heart is a place where you're safe

by smallredboy



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Canon Era, Coming Out, F/M, Trans Alexander Hamilton, Wedding Night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-01
Updated: 2018-06-01
Packaged: 2019-05-17 01:13:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14822412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallredboy/pseuds/smallredboy
Summary: The night of their wedding, Alexander has to confide in Eliza.





	my heart is a place where you're safe

**Author's Note:**

> this was a fic idea i wrote quickly and which i love a lot. canon era trans fics are very good. the title is from "can't take that away" by brother ali. this also fills my 'vulnerability' square in gen prompt bingo.
> 
> faceclaims are michael luwoye for alexander (minus the beard, naturally) and samantha marie ware for eliza.

He's been dreading this night.

The ceremony is quiet — as quiet as it can be with guests like Lafayette, Laurens and Mulligan, anyways. His friends drink a lot, especially Laurens, who looks at him with longing in his dark eyes. As much as Laurens likes him, they've never done anything, because he's scared, and because he has the feeling that Laurens is too reckless to love him like Alexander is capable to.

Mulligan pats his back and says something or other about marriage and about his wife. He doesn't seem very happy while talking about her, almost as if he'd married her out of duty instead of love. Which he understands, somewhat, as he decided to marry so no one would suspect a thing. 

Lafayette kisses his cheek when they start going home. "Alexandre, my dear friend, be sure to please her like you know how to!" he chirps, winking afterwards. Alexander flushes red and elbows him on the stomach. Lafayette yelps and shoves him lightly, Alexander laughing. His friends quell his absolute anxiety for a few minutes. 

"Love you!" Mulligan and Laurens exclaim as they get out of the building. Alexander can only wave them goodbye as Eliza takes him to their bedroom. It's big - she's a Schuyler, of course it's big - and quite comfortable. A lot more comfortable than where Alexander has lived, at least. 

Eliza puts her hand on his, and he doesn't know how to start- how to say this. He's told her about his childhood, skipping over the parts that are a tell-all about his condition. He sits on the edge of the bed, fidgeting with his hands.

"Are you okay, Alexander?" Eliza asks, voice so kind it makes him weak at the knees. She's incredibly trusting - never said anything to her sister even as she smiled at Alexander in a lovestruck way. Alexander wonders if he would ever have that trust with Laurens and Lafayette and Mulligan. He doubts it, as they don't know — as they can't know. 

He stumbles on his words. "I, well, I don't — we can't have sex," he says after a while. He shifts his weight on the bed, trying to calm his anxiety, but a thousand thoughts run through his mind, and he feels so vulnerable now. He's supposed to have sex with her on their wedding night, and he's terrified out of his mind.

She raises a brow. "Why?"

"I wasn't, I don't..." He gulps and doesn't meet her eyes. "I was born Alexandra Hamilton, Eliza. I was born as a woman." Eliza's eyes widen and her jaw falls a little. "I had so much ambition, and you know women can't... can't do what I want to do."

"We aren't allowed to," she intercepts. "We can, we obviously could, but we aren't allowed."

Alexander nods at the correction in his wording. "Exactly. So I... as soon as my mother died, I decided that I had to pretend to be a man." He licks his lips and looks at her, almost begging to get a reaction out of her. She doesn't say anything. "And I ended up loving it. It feels right, to be called Alexander and for Washington to call me son and for Laurens to call me his dear boy."

Eliza nods.

"And I planned to get married just to keep up the appearances and to fend off suspicion, but I actually really like you, and I... I know you'll see me as a woman, but I just..." he trails off, staring at his own hands helplessly. 

Eliza puts a hand on his shoulder and he looks at her, not knowing what to expect. He expects anything but for Eliza to close the distance between them, kissing him just like she did before he told her. He smiles against her lips and puts a hand on the back of her neck, feeling her curls and kissing her hard. 

Once they pull away, they're a little breathless. Eliza presses a hand against his hip, cocking her head and smiling at him so wide he thinks he could faint. "I mean, I think we can figure it out," she says after a few seconds of silence.

He hums, waiting for her to continue.

"The sex, I mean."

He flushes pink and looks at her. "O-oh, yeah, we can definitely figure it out." He presses a kiss to her jaw, then to the corner of her mouth. She grins blindingly and sweetly. "So you still..." he doesn't finish the sentence.

"Of course I do, Alexander," she replies. His mind buzzes at her still calling him by the name he's gone by ever since he got on that boat ages ago."I love you."

Alexander presses his lips against hers again, desperate and helpless and satisfied all at once. He puts a hand on her side and slides to her back, holding her. He kisses her, all teeth and tongue and lips, barely breathing when they pull away.

He feels so very vulnerable now. Eliza could do anything with this information- could ruin his life with this information. Maybe people wouldn't believe it, but all it would take would for someone to pull down his breeches. The thought makes him shiver.

He leans closer to Eliza, kissing her knuckles and looking up at her. "I... don't think I'm comfortable with being touched that way yet," he says softly.

Eliza runs a hand through his tight curls, smiles at him. "That's okay. Are you comfortable with touching me, though?"

He cocks his head and smiles, pulls her dress up. "We'll see about that."

Eliza could tell everyone he was born Alexandra Hamilton — but he knows she won't, which makes his heart grow a little fonder of her. Considering he's already head over heels, he didn't think that was even possible.


End file.
